Rockhunter, Issue 25, 22 September 2006

Ed. Ache — Man, these daily updates!!!
I was thinking the other day about getting me some proper wonga and I hit on a grand idea. It’s the brothel idea I’ve mentioned umpteen times before!! Stop me if I’ve told about this one already. Right, well, what about this? Unisex brothel. Something for everyone, see? And on Sundays, we’d have a buffet. £100, all you can fuck! I reckon it’s a goer. Put a bit of Ancient Rome in your life!!

I’ve gotta move fast though, or I’ll be pre-empted by another entrepreneur. I’m still smarting like a giraffe with cystitis remembering what happened with my device enabling ladies to piss standing up I invented in my head 1985. If only I’d patented that one!! Anyway, what with a general election coming up early next year, New Labour will be policy-dumping all over the place and I’m hoping for decriminalisation of prostitution. Of course, Brighton will be a pilot area. We’ve been the dumb guinea pigs (not, repeat not, consulted stakeholders) for most of the public-private, state corporate toss foisted on the plain people of England in the past few years.

Also (Let’s geddit back on track, mush!! — Ed.) with this new daily thing, there’s plenty of opportunity in this cool electric aether to print some of the dottier unasked-for submissions I’ve had over the years. You wouldn’t believe some of ‘em, I’m telling you!! I’ve got a bundle indoors. It’s all there!! From the druid roots of punk, to the Maltese 1980s pysch revival scene!!! Stuff I’ve been promising myself I’ll go to town on for too many moons. And that’ll be wending it’s weary way you-wards all too soon!?!?!

Arse in gear! Quick march!! Get out of my way!!!
While I’m on a slight diversion, excuse me for digressing a little further. Last year my Belfast correspondent sent me a nice little story about how certain Republicans celebrated the IRA ceasfire with The Big Beat Sound!!

Picture the scene. Midnight. Sinn Fein HQ, Belfast. Some fellow shouts “Erin go bra!”, or somesuch heathen nonsense, at the top of his lungs. They all dig into the Roses chocs, giggling and laughing. Then the CD of showband classics skips, wows, flutters and fails. The only thing they’ve got to hand is a cheapo comp of British Beat tunes of the kind it’s rumoured Martin McGuinness is so fond.

So, there they were, as a relatively junior source in the Province’s former security forces recently informed me, fresh from the IRA Army Council meeting at which the end of the armed phase of the struggle was announced, dancing and singing their heads off to English Beat!!! The first tune on the 2nd CD in the box set? The Honeycombs’ “Our Day Will Come”!!! You couldn’t make it up!!!!

Ahem,

Ed.