Only One Life
Monday
When I am gone I will post back nothing, wherever it is I go, or pass through, or whatever I do. If I make it to Reigate, then on to Oxford, then finally to Anglesey and Ireland, as I have planned, I will make sure everyone knows I’m alright. There should be no animosity in my wake. Wherever it is I end up going I want to go knowing no harm’s been done.
Saturday
Unburdened by worries today. Ever since I made my mind up to go, things have got a bit clearer in my head and I’ve been able to get things in perspective. Getting away is not a problem as far as I can see. There’s already been lots of times I could of got away. This week I had four clear chances to leave.
Monday
She went to the shops around 11:00 on the Saturday morning. So I waited to see if she’d come back to collect something. She didn’t as it goes. But I didn’t want to get her back up by being out when she got back, because I’d promised to stick around to answer the phone in case the bloke from the carpet warehouse phoned.
So when she didn’t come home when she said she would I phoned round everyone and they were all out. I waited for three quarters of an hour to see if anyone would call. But they didn’t.
The time would have been ripe. If the same thing happens when I’ve sorted it and my bags are packed and ready I’ll be off. All I need is my Building Society book, then I’ll be away.
Saturday
I’ve got ambitions like anyone. It’s not that I want the car, the flat screen TV, the girl, the da-da-da. I just can’t stay here. If work gets any worse I’ll go mental. If I don’t get out I’ll go mad. Nothing’s ever as simple as people seem to think it is.
Thursday
Given half the things most people probably think about me, I’d be better off gone. If I asked what they think the same answer would come up again and again. Like she says, I’ve got no ambition, no get up and go. I’ve treated her badly and I never join in. There’s 1,000 reasons why. The thing is, no one’s ever asked me.
Saturday
I’ve got a niggling worry that if I do go, they’ll find me and I’ll have to return back again. That would be worse than committing suicide and failing, which I don’t intend, whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m crafty but I don’t know whether I’ll be able to fool all the people. I’d love to just walk away, literally, just shoes on, out the door and just keep on walking, then live somewhere quiet.
Saturday
We used to go to The Lakes, not any more. I reckon if I could get her to love me I’d probably stay put.
Sunday
I never did have that many friends. I never kept in touch with anyone. My family seem to despise me. On the whole, I think I’d be better off somewhere else, some other place.
Tuesday
This morning I was driving into work and I stopped to get some petrol. This woman was getting out of her car and she dropped her bag, the strap broke and it slipped off her shoulder, I picked it up and gave it back. She smiled and said thanks. We just chatted for about 10 minutes and I drove off. It was as simple as that.
Saturday
I feel like I’m alone even when I’m with her. She reckons I should get some help, but I can’t see what good that would be. I already know I’m fucked up, I know I’ve got a shit job, I know I’m useless as far as money’s concerned. If she’d have had a kid things could’ve been better between us. We’ve never gone into it, but it would probably be my fault too, so I’ve never brought it up.
Tuesday
I should have joined the army. Ever since I was a kid I always loved watching wildlife programmes. I love the colours of the birds, the insects, the shrews and monkeys, and seeing how they all fit together. Also, the places are so vivid. The wilderness, the savannah, the ice flows, rain forest canopies, all the water filtering down hundreds of feet before touching the forest floor.
Saturday
The Austrians want that iceman’s poor body for their museums. They did an autopsy and the stomach was all full of seeds and grains, like he’d been saving them up through the autumn for his travels. I reckon he was a bit like me. No one knows where he came from or where he was going to. They’ve looked at what he ate but that only tells them where he’d been, not where he came from. Just because I work where I work, that doesn’t mean I belong there?! I certainly was not born there!! I reckon he’d had enough, packed some things and went, just gone. Some say he was a wise man on a quest. Or he could have been chased to death, no one knows. May be that’s what I’d be if I was living 3,000 years ago.
Sunday
I reckon there’s more than just getting up and going to work, then coming home and doing it all again the same, all the domestics too, she reckons I should go to the doctor, but I want to just go.
Monday
Funnily enough, she got pissed on Boxing Day and had a right go about this and that and it all came out. She loves herself, a real attitude problem, I’m a boring bastard with no ambition, and on and on for about an hour. I was like oh no this is it! But then she told me she couldn’t stand the whole thing either. So we were both sitting there pissing ourselves laughing half the night watching some load of shit on the box, thinking he’s not so bad, she’s not so bad…
Saturday
Well, we’re off to Florida in a couple of months!! I can’t believe it. She’s only won a luxury holiday! We’re going to have a look around while we’re there and get out of this shit country. Basically, put it behind us and live the dream. Be true to yourself! Only one life!!
Neil Palmer, 2004
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